I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I don’t get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows “Private Caller” my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.
One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say, “Please stay on the line for an important message.” They actually expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before getting around to selling you something.
The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice, “Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next available representative will be with you shortly.” I let the music play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.
Finally I turned off the music and said, “Hello?”
“Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?”
“Well, my gouts been acting up, I’ve got terrible hemorrhoids, I’ve got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so the heartburn will be coming on soon.”
“I’m sorry to hear that sir but I’m calling to tell you about some of our exciting travel packages that …”
I interrupted her, “You don’t really care about how I’m doing, do you?”
“Why, sure I do?”
“You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?”
“Well sir, I can’t do that right now. I have to call people and tell them about our travel packages.”
“You can use my phone. Come on over.”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“You don’t like me do you?”
“Of course I like you sir.”
“So why won’t you come over?”
“Well, I’m working.”
“I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little fatback if you’d like.”
“Boy, that sounds real tempting but I’ll have to take a rain check on that.”
“Okay, how about tomorrow then?”
“I can’t. I’m working.”
“How about the day after tomorrow then?”
“Actually sir, I’m not supposed to get too personal with the people I call.”
“Why’d you ask me how I was doing then?”
“That’s just a courtesy.”
“You don’t like me do you?”
“Yes sir. I like you just fine.”
“So … You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?”