Jokes

It’s obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, Albert, we won’t be long – easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, “It’s okay, Albert, just ...

However, they all fail to notice the stop signs, and all crash into each other at an intersection. They all arrive at the Pearly Gates where St Peter is waiting for them. St Peter asks, “So, what’s your story?” The first of the three men replies, “Well, I think I just died in a car crash.” St Peter nods and ...

It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, ...

“‌‌I can’‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc. “There’‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing,‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor‌‌ “Simpl‌‌y as‌‌k he‌‌r ‌‌a questio‌‌n a‌‌t ‌‌a distanc‌‌e an‌‌d i‌‌f sh‌‌e doesn’‌‌t hea‌‌r you‌‌, mov‌‌e slightl‌‌y close‌‌r an‌‌d as‌‌k agai‌‌n unti‌‌l sh‌‌e does”. Tha‌‌t ...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls I told Jerry that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the Bacardis went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway ...

… when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered. He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare. The man noticed that he was the object of ...

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.  He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But ...

The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.” So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster.  The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing.  And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll. After a few minutes ...