BATHROOMS Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. DOORS Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand ...
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, ‘Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren” And *poof* she’s ...
The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him: “What’s your name?” “John.” The new bloke replied. The Forman scowled. “Look, i don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their ...
A bloke went to his mate’s fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. “So what the hell are you supposed to be?” the host asked. “I’m a snail.” The bloke replied. “What a load of rubbish!” the host spat. “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked girl on your ...
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town’s high birth rate. The day the research testing and all ...
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, “Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!” Leon replies, “You’re kidding! I can’t even manage to do it once! What’s your secret?” To which Elmer said, “Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I’m not kidding!” So the second ...
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why Hooters?” “They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight ...
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, ...