BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in the door and think about various things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot.
HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as hampering.”
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him, jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to be startled.
5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lie in human’s lap, preventing typing.
WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get out of bed in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so he cannot move.
LITTER BOX
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially his face, turn around, and present your butt to him. Humans love this, so do it often. And don’t forget guests!